Day 12 I Could Have Missed

Today was another lesson in life: "Things turn out best for people who make the best out of the way things turn out."

We always have two choices in life. We can choose to be the person that something happened to; the victim, or we can choose to do something about it and take control. For years, I played the victim. That was all the strength I had, that was all the courage I could muster and that was all my will would allow. I rationalized that life had "happened" to me and my only goal was survival. Sometimes, that's the only way we can continue and sometimes, that's ok.

Not now, these last few years have taught me that happiness is something that comes from within and not from life's circumstances. Although it is perfectly alright to be upset sometimes and to take the time to fully grieve; at some point, we have to move on and face not what once was, but what is. That is what I did today.

This morning when Liam was dropped off, I was faced with a situation I may have been dreading for the last few years. I put on my shoes, held my head up high, checked my smile, was kind and warm and let the fear, anger and anxiety wash over me leaving, forgiveness, peace and relief. The truth is,  at the end of the day, I have something better than I could have ever imagined. The truth is, I don't have what I couldn't at one point see that I didn't want, and what I do have is even better. I have Liam, and I have you!

I always looked at dating as a comparison game; a way of looking at people, generalizing them, comparing them, picturing them at some distant point in the future and trying to make a lasting relationship out of that. Well no wonder it never worked. With you, I let things be, I love you in this moment and I love the me that I am with you.

"Don’t choose the one who is beautiful to the world; choose the one who makes your world beautiful."

I am not with you because of who you are to everyone else, what you look like at your worst or who envies you at your best. I am not with you because of what you do, how much money is or is not in your bank account or for any other reason than because you complete my world. I have never had a more beautiful world in front of me; yesterday, today, tomorrow and every day after. I know that my world is exquisitely beautiful, because of you!

When the rain started pouring down on John Henry's game, I couldn't help but love even that moment; knowing that I only had that moment because I know you. I could have been a fair-weather watcher and left when the rain got heavy. When Kerry-Jo cancelled dinner plans I could have moped or sat around feeling sorry for myself; but instead I went to Mama Lucia's to have dinner with Liam while Uncle Chris waited on us. If I had let myself be the victim today, I would have missed soooo much.

I would have missed the boys playing their hearts out. I would have missed Liam playing in the rain. I would have missed being huddled with him under the umbrella. I would have missed the way your parents loved me in that moment. I would have missed spending hours with Christopher talking about you. I would have missed watching Liam at dinner. I would have missed feeling completely special today. I would have missed the tears running down my face as I write this....

Sometimes, life is composed of the things you didn't do and sometimes, like today, life is composed of all of the beautiful things you didn't miss because you made the best out of the way things did turn out.

I even had a little extra time to work more on the quilt. Tomorrow is the shower! I have never felt so blessed. Thank you hun, for all of the things I could have missed.

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!