Day 33 Hehe You're Here

I woke up today feeling revived and hopeful. I hung a few more pictures of Liam in the living room and reminded myself to have faith you would come home to me today, I couldn't wait another day. The trip down to Syracuse to get you flew by as I thought about everything I wanted to say to you and every emotion flooded out that had been waiting what seemed like years inside me.

Suddenly I realized... I was scared, nervous, excited, happy, impatient and hopeful all at once. It is a strange feeling to miss someone you have only known for such a short while so incredibly much. Seeing you again was both unfamiliar and comfortable. I think I needed to fall into your arms to finally believe it was all ok again, to remember what we had and to remind myself you were my Jeffery, you hadn't changed and you came back for me. Although I always knew you would come back, there was a small piece that needed just a little reassurance and reaffirmation to believe it was all going to be ok.

I thank God every day for you...

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 32 Stupid Helicopter

Today was terrible! Lol, thankfully I didn't write this as it happened because I have a feeling it would not have been very fun to read. Right now, you are here, in my arms, so writing this is far more pleasant.

I woke up this morning bright and early, did some more cleaning, snuck home at lunch to put together Sarah's Bridal Shower and Bachelorette Party albums and waited not so patiently for any news about your departure. And I waited, and I waited and I pouted and waited some more.

The helicopter came and broke down, the other ones were coming, then they weren't. You refused to buy a plane ticket, then you did, and missed it. You were coming home, then you weren't, then you weren't sure, then you definitely weren't! Ugh, such an emotional roller coaster. At some point, I gave in to the fact that you would not be coming home today and I tried to make the best of it. I put together a desk I had purchased, I hung pictures throughout the living room and I waited more patiently for you to come home.

We FaceTimed, I missed you and I tried to focus on all of the wonderful things we would do together when you returned.

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 31 I'm a Slacker

These last three remaining posts were written well after you returned home and directly before you left for work again. I was so busy cleaning and preparing our house for you that I just didn't find the time. I was VERY excited to see you! Although you've hopefully returned home to me by this point, I figured I'd write them anyway, because I know much you look forward to your 5am wakeup blog post.

I spent my 31st day without you doing a massive amount of cleaning. I assembled a shelf for my books, I cleaned the kitchen, I played with Liam, FaceTimed with your momma and was utterly ecstatic that you were coming home tomorrow... I hate when you're gone but love this feeling of excitement knowing I will see you in just a few short hours!

Looking back now, preparing for you to leave again I get a little twinge of happiness knowing I will feel like this again in a month. When we're together I feel like nothing could possibly ever make me that happy again!

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 30 Consuming Love

Today is such an exciting day, I feel like seeing you is only moments away and I absolutely cannot contain how happy I am. I feel like I can't possibly concentrate on work right now when the only thing on my mind is seeing you!

Tonight we had dinner with Dad, we went to the Mongolian Grill! Their food is always so good but I can never quite decide if it is worth the bloat I get from eating it. I have given up on walking today, there is sooooo much to do. I woke up this morning and finished some quilting and began to organize some of my quilting things as I'm sure I won't have much time for that while you are here. I can't imagine not spending every moment right there with you!

"I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-eachother love." -SATC

I've found it!

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 29 A Day with my Little Man

Today was a day with Liam and I couldn't have been more happy about it. I woke up SUPER early this morning, a little after 4am and headed into the living room to quilt. I quilted ALL morning, picked up around the house and played with Liam. We hug and kiss and have an absolute blast, Liam likes to help with everything!

We took a break mid-day, I took Liam to McDonalds for a cheeseburger and fries, he's positive that is the best treat EVER! We brought his meal to Nina's house, sat under the tree, had another picnic and played on the swing. As he started to close his eyes I figured it was time to head home before he succumbed to sleep.

We quickly cleaned out the shed, organized, swept and made a pile for the dump. I had been meaning to do this for a long time, it needed it! We barely made it inside for a nap, angry, tired, cranky Liam had already replaced my not-quite-sweet but always adorable and charming child. An hour into his nap one of our Favortie people stopped by! ROO!

Before long Liam was up, terrorizing her and being his typical self, after he demanded more food of course. She read him stories and occupied his time just long enough to allow me a shower and some one-on-one time with the laundry. There are days that finding time for the even the simplest things is difficult, but you will be home soon and all will be right once again!

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 28 A Picnic

This morning I woke up bright and early, fed the boys, got everyone dressed, cleaned and headed outdoors for a relatively useless project. This entire time you have been gone, my mower has NOT been my friend. The grass was still relatively wet from the morning dew and so completely long in some places! I was able to struggle through the front yard, side yard and immediate backyard before I finally gave up. My right hand was completely green and brown from constantly emptying the grass removal area. I jumped in the shower, brought Matthew home and headed out to go hiking with Liam and the Furgisons!

We went to Lampsons Falls and had an absolute blast. I pulled Liam in the wagon and we packed a small picnic. Liam was very excited for the food and was sooooo well behaved! We had an excellent time and Liam fell asleep on the ride home. It was an absolutely wonderful day, aside from the failed mowing attempt, it was missing nothing but YOU! I miss you!

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 27 My Last Weekend Alone

Fridays are always good days because I know I have the weekend ahead of me. Every day, at lunch or when I get home, I clean, organize and prepare for you to get here. It's like that nesting stage right before birth during pregnancy (sorry that was the only way I could think to describe it.) Either way I'm ecstatic and counting down the days.

Today, Mom and I had a really fabulous lunch at Maxfields. I had my favorite Southwest Chicken Salad and so did she. Sometimes life gets so crazy and overwhelming, it's nice to sit down and reflect on all of my blessings and listen to someone else tell me about theirs.

When I got out of work, I went to Dad's and picked up Liam and Matthew. Friday night sleepovers use to be a ritual at my house but life got a little bit too crazy and those nights became few and far between. I really do miss the time with Matthew and he is such a help with Liam. Although they spend most of the time arguing, fighting over toys and crying, they eventually get along and make my life just a little bit easier. At some point, Liam needs a little brother to show him exactly what a little rugrat he is! I miss you...

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 26 Liam is a Fireman

Today I had my hair appointment! Jeeze what a fiasco to get me to decide what to do with my hair, only to change my mind last minute after talking to Jackie and then walk out looking relatively the same but more fresh, #womenproblems! I loved your reaction and I couldn't imagine a better one!

You always make me feel so special! Today was dinner at the Anglebergers! You know how much I love that! Liam "helped" your Dad pick beans, and by help I obviously mean stepped all over the plants. Your mother gave me a lesson on carrots and cucumbers, we'll save that explanation for another time, and her and I talked about everything under the sun. We talked about wedding dresses, and dating, and you, and food and life. We talked about how anxious I was about you coming home.

Your mother ordered a Colton Fire Department shirt for Liam and he tried on his life jacket! We tried everything we could to get it off and then just did it anyway against his desire. When I asked him today who was a Fireman he responded with "J... Liam is a Fireman!"

We will need to make sure you have time for those things in your life too! I think the fire department, and soccer and friends are all important things and I will do my best to help you make time for them.

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 25 I Cook With Wine

Tonight I had Mom and Bry Bry over for dinner. With all the various places to eat in my life and fabulous restaurants I frequent, it is not often I make dinner when you are away. Unless I am inviting my Mother over in which case I like to have a little fun and explore...

I always see this sign that so many people have in their kitchens and I'm pretty sure I need to make or buy one for mine. It says, "I always cook with wine, sometimes I even put it in the food." Mom came over tonight with a fabulous bottle of wine and we drank, talked and I cooked. Mom picked some squash out of her garden, so I used your mother's recipe and made fried squash. For my first time making it, it didn't turn out too bad. I learned the oil does not need to be scalding to cook it and in fact if it is too hot it will immediately burn the batter! :)

I also made Kale chips per a recipe my neighbor Julie gave me... either I can't follow a recipe or they are a terrible idea, either way, they went straight into the trash! I cooked up a mix of veggies and added some chicken for Bry Bry. Overall, I made a mess but learned a ton and after dishes I felt quite accomplished for the evening. I often think about how wonderful it will be when cooking, baking, gardening, cleaning and taking care of kiddos are what my life consists of. It will be glorious! ;)

For the first time in a while you were able to FaceTime with Liam which was fun, it is always nice when you can reaffirm your presence in his life. You had a wonderful chat with your parents tonight and you and I talked a lot about buying houses and making future plans. I cannot wait until you are home and everything seems so much more real... you are real right?

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 24 To Thine Own Self be True

Tonight was Liam and I's night alone. We ate our dinner, went for our walk, moved rocks from the rock wall to various other rock enclosures and eventually cleaned out another portion of the basement. At lunch I spent time cleaning, purging boxes and doing dishes. You texted me lots today and made me feel so special! All the while, as I attempted to put my life in some sort of order before your return I kept reminding myself of my tattoo.

I am not one to make rash decisions, I do not jump without first considering all possible outcomes and my entire life, I have hated the idea of tattoos. I hate how permanent they are, I hate how they sometimes maim the once gorgeous "clean" skin and I hate how people use them to make a trendy statement. This one however, although it probably falls subject to all of the reasons above, is one of the most personal and special decisions I have ever made. I'll tell you a story:

Polonius is a character in William Shakespeare's Hamlet. Polonius gives one last piece of advice to his son Laertes, who is in a hurry to get on the next boat to Paris. He says:

"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."

A father's last words to his son, to take care of himself first; because only this way will he be in a position to take care of others.

Although not every decision in life is clear, black and white, simple, easy, or forgiving; by following your heart you will have the least regrets and you will eventually find the most happiness. You are always telling me to wait until you are home to clean out things, to move things, to fix and finalize things, but the truth is; I need to do all of these things for myself before you are here so that I can be ready and have room in my heart and life for you.

I got my tattoo after a lot of careful thought and consideration. If I could remind myself of one thing in life, if I could put something on my wrist as a constant reminder to myself, what would it be? As I contemplated this, there was one lesson, that I learned the hard way, that kept resurfacing and it was never to fully lose myself again. I found, when everything fell apart, I had lost too much of who I was, nothing is as detrimental to your soul than giving it up to someone unworthy or being careless with it.

I read this quote somewhere, "The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."

I have learned that loving someone fully and fully loving yourself don't have to be mutually exclusive. I have learned that I can have both but I need to remember that compromise doesn't mean to fully concede. I have learned that giving myself to someone doesn't mean I have to give up my independence or those special things that make me, me. I believe that a promise for forever doesn't end when things get tough, you have a bad day, or something "better" comes along. I believe a promise for forever, means forever and until death do us part. I will never make a commitment for life unless I intend on following through. I am not perfect, I am not blameless, I am not always rational and I sometimes get upset over the silly things. Above all, I am honest, I am loyal, and I am committed. I firmly believe that it doesn't matter if the grass is greener on the other side, because as long as you water and take care of what you're given, it will be green too!

I put my tattoo on my left wrist as a reminder that although someday, someone may ask me for my hand in marriage, although they may put a ring on my finger, although I may take their last name, I promise to always stay true to myself and take care of me first. I am quite positive that the only way to accept someone into your heart is to first be full of love yourself. A broken heart cannot possibly hold anothers love when it is leaking what little it currently holds at its seams.

I know that I am ready, I know that this is what I want and need, and I know that I will be here for you forever...

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 23 Extreme Excitement

For the first time in a long time I am so excited. I feel like you're coming home so soon and I cannot wait to see, to hug you, to kiss you, to be wrapped up in your arms and completely content. Tonight, I suggested me picking you up from the airport and you seemed ecstatic with the idea. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me that I will be the first person you see when you get home! I am so looking forward to that ride home and the fabulous conversation we're sure to have.

After work today, I went to Daddy's for my Monday night dinner ritual. As usual, we talked about you and he asked his typical questions.

"Any concerns you have Little Kim?"
"None!" I say after taking ample time to think of even one.
"Any he has for you?" he asks. Now, knowing my father, this is a very important question, I must answer very carefully. An intelligent, mindful and cautious man would have concerns... so I ponder until I finally think of one.
"Yes Dad, he mentioned that Liam still doesn't fall sleep well on his own."
Dad smiles and says, "Yes, I've mentioned you need to work on that." SCORE! I listen to him go on about how I need to cut the cord and we continue with our basic conversation concerning life, you, work and the house.

I walk home for the evening anxious to FaceTime with my hunny and all the while think about how grateful I am to have found someone that accepts me for me; that is very hard to come by you know...

A quote from my FAVORITE show:

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you, you love, well, that's just fabulous!"

I think I've found all of the above and more...

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 22 Jacob's Birthday

Today is Jacob's Birthday and such a happy day for me. Although the rainy weather would indicate a general gloomy mood, I had a completely wonderful time! It was cold today, not like summer cold, it was fall cold. I feel like the leaves should be red and orange and there should be pumpkins and squash everywhere with little children running around in Halloween costumes. I'm so happy you're home for Halloween.

Your parents made Crab, per Jacob's request, for dinner and Liam LOVED it. He housed his plate of chicken and veggies and moved straight on to the crab which your mother so graciously retreived for him. Mémé! I love it! I love how she lights up when he says it. I love her!

You asked if I would FaceTime with the family there tonight and I loved watching you connect with your family. I love seeing the love you all have for eachother. I think it's great that you're able to talk and see them while you're gone and we're together. I love that I bring you closer to them and that I don't pull you away. I love how much I am loving today!!! ;)

Your Mother made cake, icecream cake and I brought some zucchini bread with the zucchini she sent me home with yesterday. We FaceTime'd you in for Jacob's Happy Birthday song and cake eating. Soon enough you will be here to eat cake with us!

On my way home for the night I stopped at Mom's to pick up the clothes she bought for Liam and to visit; she was finally back from visiting Aunt Marcia (who is now home and doing so much better.) Most days, especially today, it feels like everything is falling right into place...

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!