Day 21 Fitting in with Your Family

I had the MOST wonderful time today with your family! I cleaned all morning, made potato salad for the rest of the morning and made it to your parents in time for a late lunch. Liam was napless and therefore in rare form!

I met your Grandma and Tony today, they were wonderful! I always feel like I fit right in with everyone. Your Grandmother even complimented me on the potato salad, that made me so proud. I stayed in the kitchen after lunch and spent time just chatting with the women. Everytime I am over, I find myself imaging our life. This moment was exactly what I always picture, except in my perfect dream you are there too; outside with your Dad, playing with Liam, giving your brothers a hard time. I cannot wait for you to come home.

Your mother made fried Zucchini today again. I think she does it just to torture me! ;) Between the women at the table, we nearly finished the entire plate! I watched her make it this time so you can bet your bottom I will be making it often in the future! I love learning to cook, making things for people, and filling that motherly role; I'm pretty positive that was my calling in life.

Liam was so tired he fell asleep in your mother's lap while we sat out back and talked, it was completely adorable! He loves her so much already! Ugh, babe, I love this!

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 20 Making Room

I finally got a chance at work to take a picture of myself with my flowers. I really love getting flowers from you. They are something that I have for a week and a half that remind me every morning of your love for me. They breathe beauty and life, smell amazing and make those around me completely jealous! I miss you Jeffery.

Mom came over tonight to share some wine, talk and download. Aunt Marcia is in the hospital and is very sick. She has had lyme disease for two months undetected, she developed Bell's palsy and is having a host of other problems. Thankfully she will be ok with time. Mom is leaving tomorrow morning to spend some time with her.

Tonight I spent quite a bit of time "cleaning out the basement." I put that in quotations because this is something my parents have been telling me to do for quite some time. I have boxes down there I haven't touched in years, and things I'm not even sure where they came from. As I go through, I'm slowing moving things upstairs and putting them away, throwing them out or giving them away in anticipation of you moving in. I have to make a lot of room for you! I hear you have a lot of stuff and I cannot wait to begin that chapter of our lives together.

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 19 Shopping with an Angel

From the moment I picked her up until the moment I dropped her off we had a FABULOUS time! Now I love shopping, don't get me wrong... but this woman LOVES shopping! We had the best time trying on outfits, matching tops, calling each other funny names, loving our curves and imagining the looks on you and your father's faces when you saw us.

 

Her signature lines from the night were:

 

"J's going to love you in that!"

 

"That will make you look like a biker b*tch!"

 

And, "Wait until Jeff sees my back in this!"

 

Your Momma referred to me as her future daughter-in-law and made me feel like a part of the family! I cannot wait to be fully in your family, nothing could make me more happy than that.

 

We had the best conversations in the car; we talked about life, lessons, children, marriage, how your parents met and love. When I picked your mother up, your parents did their goodbyes and although I looked away to give them some privacy, I was so in awe of their love. 31 years together and they still radiate love, morals and beauty when they are together. I hope that is us in 30 years, although I couldn't see it any other way.

 

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 18 You Always Know

You are so intuitive when it comes to me. You could not have sent flowers on a more perfect day! Yesterday's missing you translated to today's needing you and the flowers were just the thing to make it all better. Not seconds before I got them was I asking Sarah if she thought you really loved me (whatever that means). How did I get so lucky? They are huge, and happy, and completely gorgeous! When everyone comes in to admire them and ask me why I got them, I take such pride in saying, "Just Because!" Quite a few people have followed up with, "Just an 'I miss you'?"
I'd like to think so!

Tonight, my Mother came over for some Liam time, dinner and wine. It was nice to sit on the couch, talk, and just relax. Drinking wine makes me miss you more! When she left, I still hadn't heard from you so I went for an evening walk. A walk is always just thing to clear my head and then slowly mentally organize and compartmentalize my life. It helps me to stand back and really look at my decisions. I am proud to say there is not one decision so far with you I am not completely, irrevocably proud of. Every day you make all of the wrongs, right. Thank you!

 

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 17 Some Days are Harder than Others

Today was a long day! I had lunch with Mom, dinner at Dads house, went for a beautiful walk, finally got Liam in for a bath, and was able to see your face for a little while before bed. Every day I miss you like crazy, but some days are a little easier for me than others.

Yesterday with your family, I felt so much better about you being gone.
When your Mother asked how I was doing, I think I even remarked, "It gets easier after two weeks doesn't it?"
She followed that up with, "I don't know, but you do get into a routine."

Today, I understand what she meant; there are moments that seem better than others but it never really gets easier. This is mostly because, you're not here, and I don't think I'll feel fully better until you are. I feel like we learn so much more about each other every day, and every day I fall more and more in love with you!

Tonight we had a great conversation about John Henry, and I hope so much he can one day feel included in our lives. I love more than anything your relationship with him and he should know he is always welcome. Change is always hard and finding your niche in any new situation comes with its share of obstacles.

I miss you hun, while today is finally the half-way mark for us as I write this, I hope this time your gone we celebrated it a few days ago. The half-way point is always hard because although half the time has already passed, you still have the other half to go! I can't wait!

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 16 The Anglebergers

My most favorite night of the week is whatever night I happen to be having dinner with your family. They always make me feel that much closer to you! Tonight we had the most wonderful meal, Liam behaved about as good as can be expected and we had a LOT of fun! The boys jumped on the trampoline, we ALL played with sidewalk chalk and Liam pushed the cars your mother found all over the driveway.

I played Frisbee with Henry Monster and your Dad. John Henry doesn't throw the straightest Frisbee and he laughs every time I try to catch it like an alligator! I tried to tell him to kick his back leg out when he threw it, he tried it once and proclaimed that was the worst way to throw a Frisbee ever. I couldn't agree more but watching him do it was hilarious! Your Momma gave Liam a ride on the four wheeler and we all played with bubbles all evening.

PS your bubbles make a MESS! There were little "pieces" of bubble ALL over the place. Your boat may need a little bit of a wash, the garage was covered and the lawn looked quite amusing, to say the least! We all went inside to munch on chocolate chip cookies, I believe it was at this point that Liam proceeded to dump strawberry juice and milk all over your mother! I had such a wonderful time, I can't wait for more!

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 15 Mommy's Other Big Boy

Today, Liam and I attempted some more of that thing called Potty Training. When I initially told Liam we were going to start potty training he was so very excited. He responded with, "I can't wait to ride the train Mommy, Yay, Yayyyy!" Clearly, he didn't understand the concept!

With a little help from a thing called chocolate we had our first accident free day! Nina and Papa bought Liam a bike; I have a feeling he will need some JJ help to get the hang of riding it. We both miss you so very much and cannot wait to see you!

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 14 Kimberly, You Did What?

There is an obvious reason I didn't become an engineer. I went to the right school, I have the appropriate brains, I am a hard worker, but when it comes to anything mechanical in nature... I apparently lack basic common sense!

What do you mean you're not supposed to turn a mower upside down? I was never informed of this. No one ever told me turning an engine upside down ends in complete chaos. What did you say? It's common sense? Well, I beg to differ!

Although I can only imagine these lessons you speak of will teach me a thing or two, I'm willing to bet you'll learn a whole lot too. Like no matter how many times I check the oil in a lawnmower I will clearly get a different result EVERY TIME:

That means it needs oil right hun? ;)

Today I had breakfast with Dad, the most refreshing and calming phone call with your mother, I mowed some of the lawn, somehow, and I replaced the wipers on my vehicle. I did all of this in time for some FaceTime with my favorite face!

I love so much seeing your expressions, watching you react to my aburdities and listening to you laugh. I love how you make me laugh!

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!



Day 13 Never Moving On, We're Moving In

Today has been such a wonderful day! Last night, Liam and I went up to Barnhart campground to have dinner with Momma and Bry Bry. As we walked around the campsites, every thought I had, had you in it. We looked at great spots to set up tents and we talked about all of the fun things we would do when you were home. I don't want you to miss a moment with us.

As Mom embarked on her second day potty training Liam, she decided a Maxfields lunch reprieve was just the thing to brighten the day. I LOVE their salads, I love the deck at lunchtime, I love their beer and I love their wine. We will go a few times when you are home for sure.

Today, you and I decided on something that has me completely ecstatic! Today we decided to move in together! This is such an enormous step in our lives and I couldn't have found a more perfect person. I love taking leaps with you, I love planning life with you, I love being with you and I love that I love you. I cannot wait for you to come home!!

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 12 When You Know I'm Here to Stay

You woke up the other day and told me for the first time you finally felt at peace. You told me that although you have always hoped this was a forever thing, for the first time, you were sure and you finally felt calm. I had hoped this blog would ease some of your concerns and make it more obvious how completely in love with you I am.

You see, I get to wake up to him every morning and there is something about a baby sleeping that calms the soul and allows you to more clearly see the world. Having this, is my reminder every morning of the blessings I have. He reminds me to love fully and never take a moment for granted; even this one.

I cannot wait until the day you are home with us again and you can wake up to me watching you sleep, silently pondering my day and being completely thankful for all of life's blessings.

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 11 I Love Them

I don't know why these last few days have been so hard babe, but they have definitely been torture! I joked with you yesterday about a 10 day slump but I'm there and I'm having a hard time digging myself out. Not because I'm going to leave and not because I want to give up, but because I miss you so much and this isn't easy. I know this is only my first time dealing with something like this and it is something I will have to get used to. I know I will, when I'm ready and when I have more of you and your life surrounding me.

Tonight I have dinner with your family and honestly babe... I love them! It's relatively humorous; I decided to make my first Cheesecake for today! Why on earth I like to take the risk of making something for other people I've never done before and I'm probably not that great at is beyond me! I think I just like to put myself out there. I'm not particularily afraid of rejection and I think the reward oftentimes outweighs the risks. I hope to pass that on to Liam and all of our future children because I wasn't always like that. I rarely took risks and when I did I always feared what others would think of me. Self-confidence is one of the most difficult things to teach and one of the most trying things to learn. I think the other part of the equation is to surround yourself with positive influences and people. I hope our children someday have your confidence, you have such a beautiful spirit. While we're on the subject; I hope they inherit your cooking skills as well. So back to the cheesecake; if it's terrible at least I provided the humor for the evening, but to be honest, I'm not going to hold my breath, lol.

I'll write more after dinner... I can't wait!

P.S. Cheesecake was good, I'm my own worst critic. Everyone ate some, I think that counts for something. I had a wonderful time and again felt like I've known them forever! Your Mother bought Liam the most adorable fire truck and when she asked Liam who was a fireman he said, "JJ"! You've become such a huge part of our lives.

You should know how amazing Jacob is with Liam. He really takes the time to play with Liam and do the things Liam loves. He took him on the trampoline today and Liam had a blast!

Your Mother and I spent time indoors cleaning up from dinner and then ventured outside to join them in the fun. She got out the bubbles... I had no idea I had all of these repressed bubble cravings! I had so much fun being silly and just being myself. Although it's not the same without you there, I really felt so much better when I left. My 10 day slump is gone and I'm back to missing you like crazy in a happy, cheery, lovey way!

 

I had one more night to FaceTime with you and although I fell asleep before you were done and set an alarm to make sure I didn't miss your call, I'm so glad I got to see your face. You are so special to me babe.

 

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 10 Little Bit of Liam

I had the absolute best time last night. I went to Cantina with Mommy and Bry Bry, made it home in time for a walk, and got to spend my night FaceTiming with my hunny. I love seeing your face, hearing about your day, listening to your voice and feeling so close to you.

You made a comment last night that completely warmed my heart. Initially, you had me holding my breath. When I told you Liam would be with me for two weekends in a row while you were gone and then away for two weekends while you were here, you told me that was actually a good thing. My heart sank, and I thought to myself, does he really not want to see Liam? When I asked you that, you acted like I was being extremely silly, as per usual. I'm not sure when it will really click with me just how wonderful you are, but here is the 546th time you've caught me off guard.

You say in that assured, calming voice, "No Hun, this means while I'm gone this time you only have one night without me AND Liam. Right before I come home, Liam will be with you both weekends keeping you company. And Babe, I will see Liam every morning and night when I am here."

Ugh, I love you! I swear a thousand other men in that situation would have brought up the fact that we have 3 weekends without Liam while you're home and would have noted we have more "alone" time. Not you. Not my perfect man. He knows the way to my heart every time, and even better... he means it!

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 9 Your Mommy

Today, Angel and I had the absolute best conversation about you, about us! She started the conversation with, "I have to tell you something and I hope it doesn't upset you." OMG I immediately started to freak out! That said, she then proceeded to follow up with the most adorable and compassionate sentences I have ever read! Things like:

"It brought tears to my eyes, I'm so happy for you and JJ to have found each other!"

...and...

"I can only hope that this is it for you two because you seem to be so in love with each other!"

...and finally...

"You are the type of woman who I would want my son to have in his life!!"

...followed by...

"I would love to have you and Liam in our lives!"

I'm not sure what I was expecting following that initial sentence but the above definitely wasn't it. I don't often talk about my previous marriage and especially on here, but Jeffery you should know what this simple conversation meant to me.

I have never felt so loved by a significant other's mother, I love your mother! In the past, I think the biggest struggle I had was fitting in and being wanted by my mother-in-law. I didn't realize it then, but it was because I hadn't found my person. I know now that when you find your person, everything works! Not some things, not most things, but everything, and if it doesn't then you easily find a way to fix it. The love I now have for your family and especially your mother brings tears to my eyes, especially after what I've been through. I will always be grateful, and especially to her. I am grateful for her giving me you, her loving me, and her accepting and loving Liam. I couldn't have asked for a better future mother-in-law.

Angel, if you're reading this... I love you!

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you too!

Day 8 He Misses You

I can't tell you how many times over the last few days he has asked for you. He tells me to go to JJ's house, to call JJ, that he wants to see him. I want to see him! We were so busy today. We packed up our camping stuff, headed home, unpacked, did massive amounts of cleaning and laundry, picked up branches the storm threw all over the lawn, went to Sergis with Daddy and my Uncle Rupp and FINALLY, FaceTimed with my Jeffery!

I really missed seeing you. I know it will only get harder, I know the calls will be more infrequent, but I can't tell you how much I missed seeing your face. Liam and I both love your videos, we're waiting patiently (kinda) for you to come home.

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 7 Love is Like Fine Wine, It Gets Better with Time

Liam refused to smile, therefore everyone decided to join him and frown.

We went to a winery today and I bought two bottles that I can't wait to share with you! I bought a Marquette and a Cabernet Sauvignon, I tasted both while I was there and they are delish!! I doubt I will open many bottles while you are gone, let alone one. It's just not the same without you here.

Last night you sent me this quote...

"When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love, which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away."
-Captain Corellis Mandolin

So there I was, in bed, wide awake and thinking. Like any good analytical thinker, I was trying to decipher this notion and apply it to my situation, line by line. I needed to know what I thought we were and I needed to know if this was your way of asking me to think about it. You see, you wrote nothing when you sent me this email. You just sent it. We never talked about it, you never asked and I never inquired. So although I have no idea what you think, here are my thoughts...

I think when you fall in love it is absolute madness and quite possibly the best part. Sometimes, I think that is the best part of your job because I get to feel those butterflies every time you return. Perhaps that is what is wrong with society today, when we are gone it is for short periods and we're never really gone and when we're home it is also for short periods and we're constantly dwelling on what will happen the next day while we are away. You get to leave the gone, gone and spend those moments lost with me. When you are gone, there is no immediate return, so you do that fully too.

I'm not sure what will happen when the butterflies subside, I'm not sure they ever will. But I do believe our roots have become so entwined that I don't worry about it. I won't lie and say I don't think about all of the in-love things, because I do, but when I think of you, I think of all of the other things first. Although I sometimes think of the day I marry you, I think of being married to you more. Although I sometimes think of going out together alone, more often I think about doing things as a family like camping, boating, fishing, and playing. Although I sometimes think of the morning kisses, I more often think of the afternoon walks, making dinner together, visiting your parents, and just being. I want to live my life with you, those are things that make up my dreams.

So, although I don't believe our in-love will ever fade away, when or if it does I know that I will be perfectly content just loving you, today, tomorrow and the rest of our lives. I take back what I said earlier, I think this is the best part.

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 6 You'll Always be my Plus One

 

(Number 6 is a little beaten up, Liam likes to hold the numbers! And by hold I mean mangle!)

We had our work cruise today. Mom, Bry Bry, Liam and I left for Alexandria Bay from our campsite at Kring Point. I felt your absence today. I saw all of the clingy, in-love couples on the boat and I couldn't help but wish most dearly the cruise had landed on a day you were home. Liam keeps me company, if not for him I might be a little more restless without you. I cannot wait for you to meet everyone, you mean so much to me.

We returned to the campsite and quickly headed to the beach. As I sat on the edge watching Liam, letting the waves wash over me, the only thing on my mind was you. I can't wait to go boating with you. I can't wait to stare into your eyes again and feel the love you always radiate for me.

We had a terrible storm tonight, it shook the camper and tore down some huge trees and branches around us. We were safe, but it reminded me that you're out on the ocean right now. I pray every day for your safety. I miss you...

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 5 The Little Girl That Could

(Liam and I are hiding in the car as Mom and Bry Bry set up the camper. It is POURING. PS Liam is pretending to drive the car and the windshield wipers are moving like crazy and all lights are going on and off. I love him!)

Today I feel like the little engine that could. I mean I think I can, I think I can, I miss you Jeffery. I know that for the first time since you've left that things will get just a little bit harder. You will be far more busy and often unable to talk to me. I think I can do this, and I know I'm going to try.

Luckily, I am going camping tonight through Sunday, in a place where there is likely no service. I will be blissfully unaware when you don't write me. I initially made this blog to show you how much I love you and to ease your concern and remind you that I would be here when you return. Now however, especially today and this weekend, this blog will be a place I can go to tell you all of the things I can't tell you this moment. It's my little time capsule to you because I feel I can get it all out and you will read it eventually. It somehow makes you feel not that far away. You're right here, in my phone, somewhere, missing me too...

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 4 Dinner with Your Family

Tonight I had dinner with your family and I absolutely LOVED it! Somehow, being close to them, makes me feel close to you. I drove by your house on the way there and teared up a little, seeing your truck makes me miss our time together! On the way home I took a different route just in case. Every day it amazes me what a constant you have become in my life. It's hard to remember what my life was like before I met you and I'm positive it doesn't matter anymore. For the first time in a long time, I don't think about the past. Everything seems so insignificant compared to what we have together. I love you.

And boy, your Momma can COOK! I thought all that unhealthy food and chocolate would disappear after you left and man was I wrong. Fried Zucchini! That's all I have to say. I had to ask them to remove the plate so I would stop eating them! *she blushes* As usual, everyone was such a pleasure. Liam even let Jacob take him for a ride on the tractor! He definitely loves his Henry Monster too, he called for him quite a bit!

"They" always tell you, "when you know, you know" and "when it's right, it's easy" but I never understood what that meant until I found you and now I couldn't imagine life any other way. Being with you is amaze-balls, loving you is natural, knowing that I am going to spend the rest of my life with you is the easiest question I've ever considered.

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 3 A Father's Approval

Last night I went to Daddy's for dinner; I know you waited for this one with baited breath. Well breathe easy because I don't think I could have found a more perfect man and for once my father was speechless! I usually buckle down with a large glass of wine and prepare for the onslaught of questions, suggestions and advice.

Last night, although you were the topic of conversation for well over an hour, there were no negatives to speak of. He asked thoughtful questions and we struggled to find even one concern. Eventually we both let the air between us, breathe of the peace I felt in my heart and he started to allow himself to feel ease for the first time in a very long time.

You are responsible, attractive, intelligent, grounded, caring, loving, friendly, respectable and mine. I will be thanking your parents for the rest of my life for raising such a brilliant man. I never thought I would ever find someone as compatible, kind and loving as you. You love me the way I need to be loved and I never thought that would be possible from another person.

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 2 You are the BEST

You surprised me today! I came back to the office to find the most adorable display of flowers. As I walked in, I stood there in complete shock. I knew they were from you, yet for some reason it all felt like a dream. I haven't yet been able to wrap my mind around the fact that this whole thing is real and you are here to stay. I can't imagine my life with anyone else and I can't imagine anyone else in yours.

The flowers contained the following message and although I know this comes standard it reminded me of you and my lack of watering capabilities!

You are so woven into my life that even the small things remind me of you. I cried all morning but made it through the rest of the day relatively tearless. FaceTime and your sweatshirt are the only things that put me to sleep last night. The sound of your voice and your facial expressions are the most comforting things in my life right now.

You are the first person that if I'm texting you while talking to mother, she doesn't tell me to put down my phone. I think she knows I need you as my constant in my life. Two days down... many more to go.

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!

Day 1 Today has been Rough

There have been a lot of tears, a lot of smiles, and a lot of thoughts running through my mind. It's so hard to believe that just yesterday morning Liam was getting picked up and we had the weekend ahead of us. I have never been more sure of any man in my life.

Mother came over when Liam was dropped off today and she immediately asked him about you. "Where's JJ?" she asked.
"At work." Liam replied.
"At work?" Mom asked.
"On a ship, in the water." He says.
Mom looks at me astounded. I've never told him that, I don't know where he learned that but he couldn't be more right. We went inside and drank JJ's juice, inquired about JJ's red sneakers, played with JJ's T-shirts and missed JJ, terribly.

I loved FaceTiming with you. I loved seeing you, hearing your voice, feeling that much closer to you. I can't imagine what tomorrow will be like knowing that I can't see you and won't see you. My eyes have been like waterworks lately, out of control! I have so much love and emotions for you. As I went for a walk today, you were the only thing that occupied my thoughts. I couldn't for one moment forget about you, mostly because I can't for one moment think about anything else other than you.

I worry about you flying. I know how safe it is, I know you do it all the time, and I know you'll be ok; but I still can't help but worry. You've sent me lots of pictures and I couldn't be more happy about it. I love seeing your face if only in photos and I don't know what I will do tomorrow morning when I wake up to an empty bed. I'm thinking I may spray the pillows on your side of the bed with cologne. You may need to buy more when you return. ;) I suppose I'll go lay in bed and think about you until you write me when you land and let me know you've arrived safely and without incident. (Sorry I was asleep when you wrote.)

You make all of the wrong paths before you completely worth the journey, because without them I wouldn't know to appreciate you, and you deserve so much more than even that...

And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!