I am not one to make rash decisions, I do not jump without first considering all possible outcomes and my entire life, I have hated the idea of tattoos. I hate how permanent they are, I hate how they sometimes maim the once gorgeous "clean" skin and I hate how people use them to make a trendy statement. This one however, although it probably falls subject to all of the reasons above, is one of the most personal and special decisions I have ever made. I'll tell you a story:
Polonius is a character in William Shakespeare's Hamlet. Polonius gives one last piece of advice to his son Laertes, who is in a hurry to get on the next boat to Paris. He says:
"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."
A father's last words to his son, to take care of himself first; because only this way will he be in a position to take care of others.
Although not every decision in life is clear, black and white, simple, easy, or forgiving; by following your heart you will have the least regrets and you will eventually find the most happiness. You are always telling me to wait until you are home to clean out things, to move things, to fix and finalize things, but the truth is; I need to do all of these things for myself before you are here so that I can be ready and have room in my heart and life for you.
I got my tattoo after a lot of careful thought and consideration. If I could remind myself of one thing in life, if I could put something on my wrist as a constant reminder to myself, what would it be? As I contemplated this, there was one lesson, that I learned the hard way, that kept resurfacing and it was never to fully lose myself again. I found, when everything fell apart, I had lost too much of who I was, nothing is as detrimental to your soul than giving it up to someone unworthy or being careless with it.
I read this quote somewhere, "The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."
I have learned that loving someone fully and fully loving yourself don't have to be mutually exclusive. I have learned that I can have both but I need to remember that compromise doesn't mean to fully concede. I have learned that giving myself to someone doesn't mean I have to give up my independence or those special things that make me, me. I believe that a promise for forever doesn't end when things get tough, you have a bad day, or something "better" comes along. I believe a promise for forever, means forever and until death do us part. I will never make a commitment for life unless I intend on following through. I am not perfect, I am not blameless, I am not always rational and I sometimes get upset over the silly things. Above all, I am honest, I am loyal, and I am committed. I firmly believe that it doesn't matter if the grass is greener on the other side, because as long as you water and take care of what you're given, it will be green too!
I put my tattoo on my left wrist as a reminder that although someday, someone may ask me for my hand in marriage, although they may put a ring on my finger, although I may take their last name, I promise to always stay true to myself and take care of me first. I am quite positive that the only way to accept someone into your heart is to first be full of love yourself. A broken heart cannot possibly hold anothers love when it is leaking what little it currently holds at its seams.
I know that I am ready, I know that this is what I want and need, and I know that I will be here for you forever...
And Jeffery, I Blue Heart love you!
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